Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Beauty Week - I've got a secret


It feels like it's 90 degrees and friends let me tell you IT'S HOT! My hair is down and my neck is sticky and I just want to shave my head and get rid of this mane. So why don't I?

Over the years, I've had so many people, ask me "why don't you cut your hair?" or "why don't you put it up? how come you leave it down?" 

Let me ask you, have you ever seen me with my hair up? 

If so, you are part of the chosen few. 

Well, what in the world does "hair" have to do with this blog post?

What is the big deal?

Really, there is no big deal. It's just a battle I've fought for about 15 years and I'm done hiding. 

Let me start from the beginning. When I was 10 years old, my parents took me to the doctor for a normal physical. At the physical, the doctor discovered that I had scoliosis. We tried a brace, then we tried a chiropractor. We tried everything to avoid surgery. 

Just so you don't have to look it up... Mayo Clinic tells what scoliosis is: Scoliosis is a sideways curvature of the spine that occurs most often during the growth spurt just before puberty. Below is a picture from sierraneurosurgery, It shows you the difference between normal and not normal. 

What is Scoliosis and Adult Scoliosis

Surgery should normally happen around the time you have a 35-40 degree curve.  I didn't have surgery until I had almost a 90 degree curve.  
At that point, the biggest problem is that your spine starts pressing against your lungs and heart

Thus, I began to have problems breathing. 

So I had surgery. The end. 

...I wish! It didn't happen like that. I had surgery in 2001 and then 2003, 2004 and 2005. Kyphosis and a bone infection were among the problems that happened.

The stories and trials and blessings and problems and life in between is a whole book BUT that is not what I am writing about today. 

The spinal problem and the surgeries left a mark. It's a ugly mark. On my right side, due to the scoliosis and kyphosis, I have a large "hump." I have always been embarrassed of it. It sticks out. I can't sit comfortably in anything but a padded chair. I run into things because of it. And it looks quite horrible. The scar looks like someone took a spoon and started carving into my back. It's all really ugly.  

So 15 years ago I grew my hair out and covered it ...and I left it covered no matter what.  Even when my hair got in the way, because of sports or heat or whatever, I left it down. 

One of my biggest fears was that I would get cancer and lose my hair. Then, what would I hide behind? I used to be very focused on it. My hair had to be in the back covering me at all times. At home it was always up, but if someone came to the door, down it went. 

SO WHAT CHANGED? - a couple things...

1. I've mentally struggled for years, knowing that this was a spiritual step I needed to take. I knew I had to stop hiding behind my hair. 

So I would take little steps by wearing my hair up or when my in-laws were around or sometimes when I'm was shopping.

2. Then my beautiful little baby girl was born with something that wasn't "normal". Of course, what is normal? :-) She was born with extra fingers and toes and I knew that I would have to teach her about beauty and that REAL beauty was all on the inside. 

3. Finally, my heart was convicted about teaching our teen girls about inner beauty and I realized that, until I gave this up, I couldn't teach anyone. 

It was my husband who has helped me the most with this battle. Over the last 5 years, he has just accepted me. He's told me I was beautiful over and over and over again. He loved me. He loves what is inside. He has accepted me, all of me. He loves me!

Do you know what makes me really beautiful to him? Do you know what is his favorite thing?  

He loves my attitude and my smile. He loves the "real" me. Not the exterior. 

So, that's my secret. I'm not letting it bind me anymore. I don't want it to be a distraction anymore. If I want to wear my hair down I will, but if it's hot or if I want it out of the way, I'm going to wear it up because it doesn't matter what the outside looks like. Beauty is not the outer carcass. Beauty comes within.

I'm done letting this secret bind me. 

My beauty comes from God and if I want to be prettier, I'll go to the Bible to get my beauty rest. - Rejoicing in the Present

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